White light, white lighters, and 2011

This is Leo. Leo is a fictitious character on the old television show called Charmed. He has reincarnated several times and finally became a white lighter in the lives of the Charmed ones. Leo was basically a healer who healed any innocents as well asn the charmed ones under his care. The Charmed ones are three good witches who fight all the demons of the world. Just your average good verses evil type of television but with a nice subernatural twist. Well, it is now 1/11. On Tuesday after this is posted it will be 1/11/11. In November on the 11th day of that month it will be 11/11/11. Somehow I believe there is a connection between the number 1 and the color white. I don't know why. I have always seen numbers in color. For example here is how I see this. 1 is white. 2 is a light pale salmon 3 is yellow 4 is red, 5 is light blue, 6 is in the blue family, 7 is yellow green 8 is purple, and nine is probably indigo. Why? I don't know. I have always seen colors and numbers. Even pitches have colors too. Piano music is all colors, Trupets blow out yellow notes. Oboes have a nice rich burt sienna sound. Ahh, just as I write this I have answered my own question. Numbers, colors, pitches in music, like everything in creation has a vibrational energy and colors definitely have energy.

I beleive this year 2011, the energy is lining up in some way and I feel compelled to align with at-1-ment with white and goodness. For the past 25 years I was involved in the realm of organized religion. I believed I had a "calling" to do the work in that institution and for twenty odd years I enjoyed helping people and attempting to find my identity of being a part of something larger than I. Sadly mixed in with that institution is the addiction of egos and everyone who seeks or should I say most everyone who seeks that calling may get seduced by the 'allure of being in that position of authority', especially higher-ups. After all this time I realized my skills, talent, and gifts, fit the orgainized institution of religion, but I, me, did NOT fit at all. I mean what was I thinking? What was a rebellious Jewish female doing in a white anglo saxon protestant institution??? Getting lost! Getting lost in Egoland. I am very grateful that I could and did help people along the way. But as I look back I see it was just another detour of self exploration.

I am very grateful for my graduate education. I loved learning about theology, history, and about the Bible. In fact I learned more about Judaism there than I did growing up in my non-practicing Jewish family. I also learned how people can do both good and painful harm in religious institutions. After enough experience of pain, I am glad to say I am no longer a part of any organized institutions of religion. Now I am half way through my second master's degree. This time I am studying marriage and family therapy. THIS is where I probably should have been over 30 years ago, but honestly was afraid of the science aspect of psychology. Well, I am enjoying studying various theories of Minuchen, Haley, Erikson, Bowen, Jung, and all the rest. It is like eating at a huge banquet of wonderful foods. By June 2012, I will graduate with a second master's degree. For about four years I mourned and grieved the organized institution, never thinking there was life outside of the most accepted cult in the world. Well divine intervention pushed me back to the hallowed halls of education and what a wonderful discovery I experience! I love learning, writing papers, and finding what I never could find in the organized institution of religion. I am finding who I am meant to be. THAT is a wonderful experience.

What does any of this have to do with white light, the number 1? Everything! I am discovering what I desparately was searching for in my past profession. I am finding me. I am finding me and divinity. The truth is that organized religious institutions help people sometimes find the divine around them, outside of them, hardly ever focusing on helping people discover the divine within. THAT is what I am slowly discovering. I used to always tell people when you find God, you will find yourself. And when you find yourself you will find God. I spoke a good word, never finding or getting close to this, despite that I THOUGHT I had. I was very off the mark. It through that detour and being on the path of psychology were I am truly finding the divine within me. This is at-1-ment that I am expressing here. Also I am finding that I may have found exactly where I am supposed to be and participating in something bigger than I am.

I hope when I graduate and take the big licence test that I will truly help people find their own divineness within. Who knows, maybe this is the kind of white lighting work I am meant to do. I only know keep walking and progressing one small step at a time, one course at a time. I am very grateful.

Transparency always betrays the illusion

Thank God, I overcame a major addiction in my life years ago, but like a reformed smoker who no longer partakes of the tobacco, I can't stand people who are addicted to celebrities. At best, I can feel sorry for these poor lost souls because they usually are lonely unfulfilled human beings. You can almost feel sorry for them. After meeting one such addicted fan, I felt as though I was in the middle of a train-wreck.

One evening I had a surreal meeting with three other women who enjoy the music of a celebrity who has been around for over 30 years. One is married with a beautiful family and the other is a highly educated and single, bright woman. Both enjoy the music of an aging celebrity but along with their admiration, they developed fairly fulfilling lives. Then I was introduced to the third woman, which was like sitting in the peanut gallery of a circus. Her demeanour was as if she was on Adrenalin. She began talking from the moment we sat down to the moment the meal ended. The conversation revolved solely on her and her idol. Her language was couched in innuendo of a friendship with her idol. When asked if she ever had been invited to his home, the helium in her inflated stories blew out. The inflation of her fantasies, fell to the ground. Her facial expression dropped as she truthfully answered in a flat tense tone; "no". What struck me was how can anyone sit for an hour and a half weaving a web of make-believe for an audience that was made up of one member who just wasn't falling for the blarney.

Truth of the matter, I should exhibit some pity for this woman, as she possesses no boundaries in her life declaring to the world wide web issues with her private family, unrequited love, etc. Under other contexts, I could probably scrape up some sympathy for an individual such as this. But that she creates such fantasies, steals the arrow of compassion in me and replaces it with pity for such a vapid existence. Along with the fantasies, is her cryptic and at times foul language spewing anger and hostility toward others who bravely reveal her transparency on line.

What I found so amazing was at one point during the gathering at the restaurant, was her implication that she was employed by a company that was sending her to Great Britain to "cover a story." When probed further, as to the story, this poor soul exclaimed she was going to see her idol of course! She implied that her former employers were sending her across the pond to cover the show. The truth be told, she is a "laid off secretary." Now what company would send a secretary to a foreign country in order to see her idol? Incredible!

It is kind of sad reading her on line diary. The words on her "pages" portray a 14-year-old teenager in a 50-something year old body. Like most followers of the aging celebrity, she rails against anyone who is not a willing audience. She rants, uses foul language, and behaves like an angry hornet when met with opposition.

This experience reminds me to always stay sober and steer clear of women like this fan. Thank GOD, i have crossed the Rubicon away from the distorted world of fans.

Heaven: where is it?

This week I got the news that my aunt, my mother's sister is in hospice and is expected to die. She was the last connection I have to my mother. She is the last living relative I have any connection with. ( Oh God, I just ended a sentence with a preposition.)

I have always wondered what happens when we die. Where do we go? What happens to us? Unlike the belief that my mother shared and my brother believes, I do believe that our soul goes on in some sort of continuation. But I wonder where and how.

For the longest time I thought there was no close connection between this life and life after life. I think I was wrong. I believe there is a definite connection between this life and the one after the physical dimension.

I like to think there is some kind of divine power who has a handle on a universe where clearly people do NOT. But when I can get my mind out from the close involvement of living and remain observer I can see that there IS some divine kind of power out there. Nine months after my father died, I was sitting in a room with a few people when I felt an energy emanating to me from behind where I was sitting. It was so familiar and yet different. Clearly I could feel my father's presence standing firmly behind me reaching out to me from the dimension of the non physical. Telepathically I received a message that said:" I love you and am with God." That happened seventeen years ago and it left a powerful imprint on my being. It is the hope I hold on to that by my mother and brother's philosophy is in error. They both believed/believe that when you die you are dead and there is nothing more.

I also am beginning to think Heaven is here in this physical plane as well. It is all in attitude. How I perceive my life and the things around me affects whether I am in Heaven or Hell. Yeah, it is like the old concept if the glass is viewed half full or half empty. I am learning to see that half filled glass is good. In that attitude, I am learning to live in Heaven. So Heaven or Hell is a choice. Bad things DO happen on earth, no doubt about it. People do create hell on earth for themselves and others. But hopefully I am learning to find and create Heaven during my time here on this earthly plane.

My aunt is going to pass over to the next dimension at some given time. But I truly believe she will be reacquainted with her husband, her parents, and her sister, my mother. I do believe she will go from strength to strength as we will do when that day comes for the rest of us mortals still traipsing around here. Until that time, I am going to work on making the choice of finding and living in Heaven on this earth.

Education is callin' me through the doors

Well, I have decided to bite the bullet and walk again through the doors of the ol' school house. It's way over time to go back and get another sheep's skin of the master's kind. I hope I can do this. I vacillate between excitement and utter fear. This will be a second masters degree. But this time it will be more practical; a degree in marital and family counseling. What I am learning so early on is that institutions of higher learning are far different now then when I was last in graduate school over twenty plus years ago. Now EVERYTHING is electronic, even your BOOKS!! You don't buy physical books anymore. You down load them from the Internet. Oy Vey! I am old fashioned, I like to read words written on a piece of paper. With all the reading I will have to do, I will be having to read everything on line, unless I want to take stock in the paper and ink industry for the next two years and two months! OY!

Not only is that different, but students don't write anything anymore in class. They TYPE it on to their lap tops which they schlep to classes. I am definitely feeling all my years. Why am I doing this? Why? Because the former institution with which I was associated, has finally beat me over the head with enough two by fours of hypocrisy, to last me several life times. I have finally had it. Oh, yea, every place has it's share of hypocrisy, but this institution always preached the truth will set you free! Too bad they cannot and do not live by their neon billboard of facade. Aah, but I digress.

So now at the ripe old age of **, I am going back to school to get educated and credentialed to help other people find their own truths. This time sans a lot of naivete and ego on my part and a lot of bloviating bishops who think they know the answers to God and how people should act and behave. I truly want to find a way that I can give to this broken planet and feel fulfilled in a more significant way. If I can help another find their way through the bracken and ca ca of this life, then all the school of hard knocks I have gone through will have been worth it.

So tonight I will walk through the doors of education for orientation, which will take about an hour. I am sure I will be learning just how much school has changed but the one good thing that hasn't changed is the learning. Learning is like love it keeps me going and alive.

Slowest draw of the West

I have a GUMBIE cat in mind, her name is Shiloh any dots. Her coat is of the Tabby kind, with tiger stripes and leopard spots. All day she sits upon the stair or on the steps or on the mat: She sits and sits and sits and sits- and that's what makes a Gumbie cat! (T.S. Eliot- Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats). Well when ol' Eliot wrote that bit of verse, he surely was thinking of my newly adopted, cat, SHILOH. Shiloh is about three years old and she is one hefty 15 pound momma of a feline four legged fur person. Note; picture to the left. ( no one reads this blog, I have to chuckle as I am writing as if anyone did, except my dear friend Sharon) Shiloh came through a friend who knew some folks who needed to find a home for her. She had two homes and for one reason or another they didn't work out. So from one area of so Cal to another here came Shiloh (Formerly known as Isabelle). Truth be told, poor old Gumbie girl didn't answer to that name nor does she answer to Shiloh. But Shiloh is her name. Its taken from the Hebrew name of the place called Shiloh in the Bible. I wanted a good Jewish name for her being the respectable Jewess that I am.

Enough silliness. Shiloh is a GIRL cat and I never thought there would be a huge difference between a girl cat and a boy cat, other than their genitals, but yes, there is a definite difference. I am used to male cats. I am also used to male humans over girl humans too, but therein lies another entry on this silly blog. I learned that female cats seem to gravitate toward male humans and visa versa. While I had Chessie my old male tabby, he gravitated toward me more than to my husband. Shiloh, appears to welcome the company of my husband more than she does me. OUCH, but I am so glad that she does like him because he hesitantly agreed to having another feline in the house. Putting Chessie down was so hard and sad for both of us. But since the time was right, we got this huge Gumbie cat.

What is fascinating about Shiloh, in particular (ALL cats are fascinating) is that Shiloh is probably the most laziest cat I have ever known. Talk about sits and sits and sits and sits! While she is drinking her water, ( from a nice china bowl) she lays down and puts her face in the bowl and proceeds to drink the water. I guess what would prove her true laziness is, if I were to count her licks per minute. ( did that once with a beautiful black cat named Beau I once had. God what a saint he was! Came to about 100 plus licks per minute!) He was quite the fast licker! (I did that over thirty years ago when I had less marbles than I do now) But for Shiloh to get a good drink of water she lays aside her bowl and drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks.........

Second piece of evidence of her profound laziness is the style in which she plays. Whether we are playing on the floor or on my bed, Shiloh will be in a supine position when and if the toy (pipe cleaner, soft fuzzy ball, etc) is not within her reach. She will play enthusiastically IF and only if the toy is in her reach. Now I ask you, is that a Gumbie cat or what? I gotta love her though and oh, I do. She is quite a lady.

The best time is when we are all in bed, my husband comfortably on his side, me on mine and Shiloh at the foot of the bed grooming herself before she partakes into the land of Nod. How sweet and peaceful it is to watch her groom herself. When cats groom themselves, it is usually because they are feeling safe and comfortable to do so. I take her grooming as a compliment.

Cats have subtle ways of communication and I respect that. It is a lesson of life. People tend to bulldoze their way through life missing the messages of nature, God, and life it self. When a cat is upset, he or she will let you know with their tail, I am getting agitated; back off. If the human remains unaware, cats will put their ears back as if to say. HEY I said you are annoying, back off. Many humans still don't get the message and then comes the exposed claws through a swat or a deep growl. Subtle communication intensifies if the human remains unconscious.

I believe life works like that, through subtleties. One of the lessons of life is to learn and perceive the subtleties. It has taken me a life time to begin to learn this lesson. As I get older I get a little less obtuse and more awake. I have spend a life time getting whacked up side my head with the huge paw of life. Finally I am learning to perceive the subtle lessons. I can tell you it makes life a lot easier to pay attention and to wake up.

Being awake in life is something of which most people are not aware. I can say that because that has been my truth. At my old age, I am slowly waking up! Thank God! Thank the Universe! Thank CATS! (and Dogs) So I say WELCOME OLD GUMBIE GIRL, I have a lot to learn from you and I will try to be a good servant to you!

What's in a word: family

What is in a name? A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet and in the case of 'family',in the traditionally defined sense, it might still stink! I have a 49 year old cousin
who is obsessed with her history and her family tree. I think that is great for her or anyone who wants to spend a lot of time researching their family background and check out all the relatives living and dead. This is something from which many people derive a lot of pleasure. For those folks I say; go to it enjoy yourself, knock your socks off. I do not particularly derive pleasure out of finding out who was who and when they lived in my family. My family is no different than 99% of the world's population, dysfunctional at the least to totally screwball to the extreme. My 49 year old cousin is at the extreme. She has alienated her sisters and well as most of her ' biological family'. Yet she is 'into' the family scene. I am most content to let my biological family remain up there, in the palm trees, peeling their bananas and swinging from tree to tree without my being aware of who they are and when they decide to swing to the next tree. When my cousin refused to help me remove my name from an annoying website that keeps sending me information about her family tree, I asked for her assistance and was promptly told that my grand parents would roll over in their graves at the thought of my not wanting to receive information about the 'family'. Bear in mind I haven't communicated nor seen any relative of the 'family' tree in almost 45 years. YES, you read that correctly 45 frigging long years. I don't know 99% of my relatives and frankly I have no burning desire to.

So all this insanity gave me pause to think about what exactly IS family. First, it sure isn't a bunch of dysfunctional argumentative, knit picking bickering, middle aged and old women and men with big lips that want to plant wet disgusting kisses on you at a funeral after you haven't seen them for eons and no plans of seeing them again until the next death. Nor is it guilt ridden cousins who are, for what ever reason unable to come to grips with the death of their parents, who project their own unresolved anger and venom on unsuspecting distant cousins either. Nope that is not my idea of what family is. But like many families, this an example of the blood relations I have.

What is it that I believe family really is? Life and years has taught me it has precious little to do with whose DNA is running through my blooded veins. Just because my body possesses some of the DNA of my mother's family or my father's family doesn't not a family make. Nope, that is an illusion for which people fall. Family is about connection and relationship, as I see it. The people who I connect to, who I love and who love me, THAT Is family. I have friends that live 3000 miles away from me who I have reached out to and who have reached out to me in a loving reciprocal manner. THAT is family. People who work in a relationship to contact one another and who care for the well being of the other through word and action, THAT is family. I am blessed to have some loving friends and a kind hearted husband. THESE are my family. We do not share the same DNA, nor do we have the same last names. What connects me to the people I consider family is not an outer thing, like a name, or an X or a Y in my DNA. What connects me to the people I call family, is a deep commitment, love and care for the welfare of the people I love and who love me back. THAT is family.

I feel sorry for this 49 year old cousin, who holds tightly to the hard work she put in creating a family tree on a web site. She has worked very hard and spent many hours building this tree of hers. Sadly she never and continues not to spend the time, working on her broken relationship with one of her sisters. She isn't working on her wounded feelings about her father who in the last years of his life, she refused to go visit on his death bed. By blood she is my second cousin, by family she is a sad stranger with whom I will never know because like her father, mother and sister she has alienated yet one more 'blood' relative. God bless this poor broken soul as she clings to her cyber family tree. Makes you think, doesn't it? Also makes me very grateful for the people in my life with whom I can share myself as they can share themselves with me, good and bad.

Today I am grateful to have my 'family' which comprises of my husband and some pretty dear beloved friends. I am also grateful for the ability to allow myself to be changed for the better by my family.

Graduation Day at Guide Dogs of the Desert

Today was a special day. It was the graduation of six dogs from the organization Guide Dogs of the Desert. Six wonderful dogs were given over to blind folks who will now have a loving companion who will help them in their lives. ALL of these graduations are special but what made this one so special was that all of the graduates served in the United States Military. I have gotten to know a few of these wonderful brave people and I can say I am proud to know them and feel blessed to be given this opportunity. The graduation was so touching. As all Guide Dog graduations, there is a PowerPoint show of pictures that show the dogs when they are very small puppies being raised for 20 months by a family who, even though, they grow to love these special puppies, they will, one day, have to surrender them to a blind person with whom they will help and work. The PowerPoint shows the development of the puppies and how they are trained out here on the streets of Palm Springs. Then after the PowerPoint display you see the families, themselves handing the dogs over to their new owners. (Just for information, the puppies are raised in the families for 20 months and then they move to the school where they are trained by the trainers to work with the blind. Then for a month, the dogs are matched up with a blind person, The relationship between the dog and the blind person begins to grow. Then they graduate. What a heart moving experience it is to watch this process. I was there today, April 5Th watching this wonderful ceremony. The students were all from the military and it was so touching. Dexter in the left picture is a great guy, I got to know him a little when we all went to Blame it on Midnight, a local night club here, to hear Bill sing. Dexter loved to keep rhythm with the songs Bill would sing. I loved sitting next to Dex keeping rhythm with Dex. Dex's dog is a multicolored Lab named Shepherd, called "Shep". Shep, loves the ladies, Dex says and that is true. He won me completely over! I couldn't keep my own paws off him! But when the dogs are working, touching and petting is NOT allowed. My other favorite dog in this class is as you can see part of him above, is Waldo, a beautiful black Labradoodle ( lab and poodle mix) He is so pretty and is one special dog! The ceremony was just glorious and there wasn't a dry eye in the place of over 800 people who came to witness this special event. Paula Abdul was there as representing the charity for the month of May. Boy, is she not only beautiful, but she is one nice lady as well. It was a pleasure meeting and talking with her. It was a very special day. I feel blessed to be associated with this most worthy charity. I LOVE it and hope to be a permanent part of it for years to come.